A Very Merry UnBirthday
by pokeitlikejello
Summary: Huddy. House is convinced it's Cuddy's birthday, but she's not too inclined to admit it.
1. Chapter 1

**This is just some cute Huddy. It also includes a bit of House/Wilson friendship as well, which was fun to write. Anyway, it's going to have four chapters total. Here's the first. And I don't own this, so don't sue me.**

* * *

Inhale. Slow movements. Exhale. And hold.

THUD

Inhale. Stretch up. Exhale. Back to center.

THUD.

Inhale. Extend arms. Exhale. Back to center.

THUD.

"Damn it."

Cuddy sighed and left her living room. She padded barefoot on her hardwood floor to the front door. Without hesitation, she threw it open and her eyes fell on House.

House's eyes lowered to Cuddy's pink tank top and ventured down to her black cotton pants. He brought his gaze back up to her face. She raised a hand, indicating she wanted some sort of explanation as to why he was on her doorstep at six seventeen in the morning.

"What?" House asked.

"It's quarter after six." Cuddy's eyebrows drew together. "Is there a reason you're awake and here?"

"What were you doing?" House attempted to peek into Cuddy's home, but she blocked his view.

"I was- it doesn't- yoga," she finally answered him after flustering. "I do yoga every morning. It helps me _relax_."

House stared and the forced her door open. "Yeah right."

House pushed his way in, much against Cuddy's glaring protest. He moved to the doorway of the living room and his eyes fell on the lilac yoga mat on the floor. He looked back to Cuddy.

"Yes?" Cuddy asked. "See anything wrong there, House? Caught me in a lie?"

Closing his mouth, House shook his head a little. Cuddy moved past him and gave him a tap in the chest.

"That's what I thought," Cuddy told him as she entered the living room. She turned, with hands on her hips, and faced him. "What do you want? I'd like to finish my yoga before I get ready for work."

"Can I... _watch_?" House asked.

"Excuse me?" Cuddy raised her eyebrows, then shook her head. "No. This is the only peace I get during the day, House, and you're not going to ruin it for me."

"Who said anything about ruining it?"

"No," Cuddy enforced. "What are you doing up at this hour anyway? I have to threaten your life just to get you into work before noon."

"Just because I don't come in until ten," House thought this over for a moment and then corrected, "eleven- doesn't mean I'm not awake early."

Cuddy narrowed her eyes, seeing right through House. He held up his statement for a few tense seconds before shaking his head and giving up.

"Okay, maybe it does," House admitted

Cuddy just wanted him to leave. She figured the sooner she got to the heart of the matter, the sooner House would leave. Cuddy lowered her hands to her side with a sigh.

"So, why is today a special occasion?" she asked him.

House appeared shocked. "Don't tell me you forgot."

"Forgot?" Cuddy repeated, displaying her irritation.

"Your birthday," House indicated as if it was more than obvious.

Cuddy gave a wave of her hand along with a shake of her head. "Today's not my birthday, House."

"On the contrary, it is," House replied.

"No," Cuddy said more forcefully. "It's not."

House drew his eyebrows together and for a moment was under the impression that he may have gotten it wrong. However, he knew he had to be right which meant Cuddy was trying to convince him otherwise. That intrigued him.

"I know for a fact that today is your birthday," House told her, moving in to her. "It's been circled on Wilson's calendar since six months ago."

"Fine, it's my birthday." Cuddy raised her head up, annoyed. At times when House was too close, she always wished she was taller. "Can you go now?"

"Don't think you can fool me with that tone." House shook his head. "I'm master of that tone."

"House,_please_." Cuddy placed a firm hand on his chest. "I need to do my yoga, so unless your patient has died or you need to do something I'm going to say no to, I'll see you at the hospital. Hopefully, _on time_."

House paused, then nodding slowly, knowingly. "You're sly, Cuddy. However, I have the upper hand because I'm _right_."

"Except you're not."

Cuddy pushed House out of the living room and almost made him fall as her hands were on his back, forcing him from her home. Once the front door was opened, she shoved him out it.

"It's your birthday, Cuddy," House said on the stoop.

"You're wrong," Cuddy replied and slammed the door in House's face.


	2. Chapter 2

**Love the reviews so far! Thanks, everyone. I'm having such a good time with this fic. I hope you all enjoy the next chapter. And happy belated birthday to Casper131!! Hope it was an awesome day.**

* * *

After House's mishap at Cuddy's home, he decided to arrive well after noon just to make her angry. He was positive he was right, which meant Cuddy had some ulterior motive for her denial. However, before House pressed any further, he wanted to check his source.

House burst into Wilson's office and ignored the fact that his friend was on the phone. He slammed the door and moved into the middle of the room.

"Today's Cuddy's birthday, right?" House asked, loudly.

Wilson muttered into the phone and hung up, knowing there was no way he could put House on hold. Wilson enclasped his hands on his desk and gave a small nod.

"I believe so," he answered House's question.

"But, you're not sure?" House raised his eyebrows.

Wilson let out a small sigh. "Of course, I'm sure. Today is her birthday."

House took a step closer to Wilson's desk. "You'd bet on it?"

"What is this about, House?" Wilson asked and drew his eyebrows together in confusion.

"Nothing." House quickly turned from the desk and moved over to the doorway leading out to the balcony.

"Yeah right," Wilson wasn't so quick to believe and dismiss. "What'd she do? Snub your birthday gift?"

House turned back to Wilson. "Like I would buy Cuddy a gift."

Wilson gave a shrug. "She seemed pleased with mine."

House jammed his cane into the ground and walked over to the door. He was about to open it when he stopped. He looked over to Wilson.

"You gave her something?" House asked.

"Well, it is her birthday," Wilson replied.

House thought about this. "And she didn't protest?"

Wilson put the pieces together and finally understood why House was asking all these questions. "You tried to give her a gift and she refused it?"

"I didn't get her anything," House enforced his previous statement. "And I was just wondering if you succumbed to irritating birthday traditions. If I was Cuddy, I would be weary of any gifts from you. One free oil massage comes to mind."

"I bought her stationary," Wilson gave, hoping House would stop his rant.

"Stationary?" House repeated. "For the record, I want cash on my birthday."

Wilson leaned back in his chair, a smug smile on his face. "Who says I'm getting you anything?"

"You'll buy Cuddy a gift, but not your best friend in the whole wide world?" House's false tone would have been irritating had Wilson not been used to it. "Oh, wait, that's right. You don't want to get into _my_ pants."

"Really, House-" Wilson started in order to defend himself.

"With your lack of sexual encounters as of late-" House continued on.

"How do you know about my sexual encounters?" Wilson cut him off, leaning forward in his chair.

"My people have called your people." House reached for the doorknob.

Wilson threw a confused hand up in the air. "That doesn't even make sense!"

"Gotta go," House replied and was out the door.

* * *

House hurriedly approached Cuddy in the front lobby of the hospital. She hadn't spotted him, so she wasn't walking fast enough to avoid him. House fell in step alongside of her. 

"Today _is_ your birthday," he said, leaning in close. "I was right."

"You had to check with Wilson to be sure." Cuddy stopped and gave House a look. "And today's not my birthday."

"So, you took Wilson's birthday present because you were worried about his feelings?" House rolled his eyes and threw out his sarcasm. "Now that sounds like the Cuddy I know."

"Go away."

Cuddy passed through the doors of the clinic, heading for exam room three. She was putting in hours after one of her doctors on duty called off and another had to perform emergency surgery. House followed after her. He grabbed her arm, stopping her, and raised his voice.

"Excuse me!" House addressed the clinic. "Hello, everyone! Just a little poll. How many know it's Dr. Cuddy's birthday today?" Roughly eleven hands raised. "And how many think it's a different day?" One timid hand. "And how many haven't a clue?" Blank stares. House smiled. "Okay, thank you." House turned to Cuddy. "The majority voted-"

"And proved you're wrong," Cuddy cut him off and continued walking.

House went after her. "Cuddy, do I need to show you again?"

Cuddy suddenly stopped and faced him. "And how do you know that I didn't set you up for all of this, House? How do you know this isn't payback for that little 'move Cuddy's entire office to the hospital chapel' stunt?"

House's eyebrows drew together and he turned back to the clinic. "How many of you were paid to lie to me?"

There was no reaction and House turned quickly back to Cuddy to rub it in her face, but she was already gone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for the awesome reviews, guys! I love them. Here's the next part! Enjoy it!!**

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House pushed open the door to Wilson's office as hard as he could. Wilson jumped as did his female patient, who was timidly standing by the balcony door.

"You lied to me." House locked eyes with Wilson.

"House, I'm with a patient." Wilson indicated his patient across the room.

"You_ lied_ to me," House emphasized.

"Everybody lies, remember?" Wilson reminded him before turning to his patient. "I'm so sorry about this." Wilson looked back to House. "If you give me ten minutes, House-"

"You _lied_," House repeated. "To me."

"I don't even know what you're talking about," Wilson told him and rose from his desk chair. He looked back to his patient. "I am really sorry, Angela."

Angela nodded. "It's all right. Really."

"No, it's really not." Wilson let out a sigh. "I'll... I'll be right back."

Wilson followed House out into the hall. He placed his hands on his hips once the office door was closed.

"What did I do this time?" he asked, giving House an annoyed stare.

"You lied to me about Cuddy's birthday," House accused.

"No, I didn't," Wilson replied, shaking his head.

"Yes, you did." House leaned in with his heavy accusation.

"Is this it?" Wilson was more than annoyed now. "This is why you pulled me away from my _dying_ patient who is in the need of comfort and care?"

"Yes," House answered.

Wilson shook his head again. "Childish, House."

Reaching out, Wilson opened the door to his office. House extended his cane across Wilson's path, stopping him.

"Wait." House eyed him up suspiciously. "Why did you go along with Cuddy's evil plan to lie to me?"

Wilson sighed. "House, if you're so sure I lied to you, then why don't you go locate the truth? I'm sure you can find some way to steal a file or a driver's license."

With those parting words, Wilson entered his office, shutting the door behind him and shutting House out. House thought about what he was just told and took off.

* * *

"What are you doing? Get out of there!" 

Cuddy hurried across her office and snatched her purse from the clutches of House. Half of the contents that had been in her purse were now scattered across her desk. Cuddy glared.

"I was looking for your wallet." House shrugged.

"Drug addiction got you down?" Cuddy asked, moving around her desk before starting to stuff the contents back in. "Needed some quick cash?"

"I was looking for your driver's license," House replied honestly.

Cuddy stopped and looked to House, a half smirk on her face. "You won't let this go, will you?"

"Because I know I'm right!" House exclaimed.

"What's the big deal?" Cuddy snapped her purse closed. "If it's not my birthday, you'll annoy me and if it is my birthday, you want to make sure you kick it up a notch?"

"Guess I'll have to tell the male strippers at your house to leave," House muttered loud enough for her to hear.

"Guess so because it's not my birthday," Cuddy replied forcefully.

"Stop denying it, Cuddy!" House was becoming annoyed now. "Why can't you just let me be nice to you?"

"Because you're not nice to anyone." Cuddy seated herself. "And I wouldn't want preferential treatment."

The phone began ringing. Cuddy reached for it, but House swiped it before she had a chance to answer it. He quickly moved around to the other side of the desk.

"Hello?" House asked into the handset.

"House." Cuddy stood and tried to grab the phone from him.

"I'm speaking on Cuddy's behalf, so you can put her through," House said into the phone. "Yes, that's fine."

"House, give me the phone." Cuddy tried to grab it again.

"Hello, Mrs. Cuddy, is it?" House forced Cuddy down into her chair and seated himself upon her. "She's right here, but she's a little busy right now. However, I can take a message."

"Get off of me!" Cuddy let out a muffled cry.

"Yes, of course I'll wish her a happy bir- OW!" House leapt from Cuddy's lap and faced her, clutching his thigh, "Bitch!"

Cuddy yanked the phone from him. "Mom, I'll call you back."

Cuddy hung up the phone angrily. House hobbled around the desk. Cuddy's eyes followed him, her hands on her hips.

"That_ hurt_!" House clenched his teeth as he massaged his tender thigh after Cuddy had jammed her fist into it.

"And you sitting on me didn't?" Cuddy asked him.

"At least you have all your muscles," House replied. He straightened. "Your Mom says 'happy birthday,' by the way. Although, I doubt you deserve a happy one now." He smirked. "And the fact that I'm right almost cancels out the pain."

House triumphantly hobbled out of Cuddy's office. Letting out an irritated sigh, Cuddy reached for her phone and picked it up, planning on calling her mother back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you for all the splendid reviews! Hope you appreciate the ****last**** chapter and enjoy it. :o)**

* * *

House exited the elevator and headed for the front doors of the lobby. To his surprise, he fell in step with Cuddy, who was also leaving the hospital for the day.

"You can never lie to me," House hissed in her ear.

"Oh yeah?" Cuddy turned a little in his direction.

"The truth always comes out," he told her.

"Of course." The fact that she was humoring him was annoying.

"I was going to wish you a happy birthday," House started, wanting to annoy her right back, "but, I lost those intentions pretty fast."

"Good," Cuddy replied and made her way through the doors.

Once outside, House debated following after her, but ultimately headed to his motorcycle. Cuddy was almost off the sidewalk when she suddenly turned in his direction.

"What were you really doing at my house this morning?" she called out to him, not being able to stand not knowing anymore.

"Birthday wishes," House answered smoothly, glad he now had the upper hand again.

"At quarter after six in the morning, House?" Cuddy tried to see through his defense. "You expect me to believe that?"

"Yes." House backtracked over to Cuddy.

"Fine." Cuddy sighed. "But, if I go home and find a donkey tied to a tree in the back yard or a box with a snake in it on the front porch or my living room _repainted_, I will kill you."

"I would never give you the same gift twice." House stopped in front of her. "That's more than I can say for Wilson." He rolled his eyes. "Stationary... _again_."

"At least it's practical," she replied. "More than I can say for _your_ obscene gifts."

"What's not practical about a donkey?" House asked as if the answer was clear. "They _carry_ things. On their _backs_. And they don't call hot pink living rooms hot for nothing, Cuddy."

"My birthday's not a day for you to pull practical jokes, House," Cuddy told him.

"Then, maybe you misunderstand me," House pointed out. "First of all, I don't _need _a birthday to pull jokes on people. I _am_ that good. And second... no, that's actually all of it."

"Have a good night, House." Cuddy took a step away from him. "And expect a ranting phone call when I find your birthday 'gift.'"

"Goodnight, Cuddy," House replied devilishly and headed for his bike.

* * *

Cuddy carefully approached her house. Preparing herself, she slid her key into the lock and opened the front door. It was dark and nothing jumped out at her as of yet. She flicked on her hall light and stepped inside. 

Peering into each room as if it might hold some sort of hidden danger, Cuddy made her way through her home. She flicked on the light and moved through the dining room and into the kitchen. She stopped when she saw a lone cupcake sitting on the counter next to the sink. Tied to the faucet was one pink balloon with the words POP ME written on it.

Cuddy examined the cupcake and then the balloon, but was too nervous to actually go ahead and pop it. She moved on into her bedroom and stopped once again when she noticed a mattress, still wrapped in its plastic, sat on her box spring. Cuddy instantly whipped out her phone and dialed.

"You bought me a mattress?" She asked when he picked up. "That's creepy."

"You always complain about back pain," he told her. "I thought it was more useful than stationary anyway."

"House, I don't want this." Cuddy moved around the mattress, checking it out for any hidden surprises.

House rolled his eyes. She was going to be difficult. "Have you tested it yet?"

Cuddy straightened. "No, but-"

"Get on the bed," House commanded her and had to hold back any inappropriate comments that were preparing to fall from his lips. "Now."

"House, it's weird," she repeated her earlier comment. "No one buys a bed for their boss unless they plan on someday being in it."

"What gave you the idea that I'm not currently working on that very plan?" he asked her.

"House..."

"Try it." House attempted to be coaxing.

Cuddy sighed. "Fine."

Cuddy lowered herself to the plastic covered mattress and relaxed into it. Silence. He was right. This mattress was so much better than her old one and did feel wonderful for her back.

He smiled on the other end. He was right. "And?"

"Okay, so this is a really nice mattress, but-" Cuddy still felt awkward about it.

"Cuddy," House cut her off.

"I can't accept it, House," she told him. "What would people say if-"

"Nothing," House jumped in. "Big deal. You needed a new mattress and I bought you one. Can't you just take the gift, Cuddy?"

She was surprised that he cared enough to buy her a present that was useful and she could actually enjoy. That thought made her sit up quickly and leap off the bed.

"What's wrong with it?" Cuddy looked the mattress over again. "Was someone killed on it? Are there blood stains somewhere that I'm missing?"

"It's brand new." House's patience was dwindling. "I told them to leave the plastic on because you'd never believe me. Clearly, I was right."

Cuddy shook her head. "There's got to be something wrong with it."

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, Cuddy," House warned.

"But, it's-" Cuddy tried to protest once again.

"I swear there's nothing wrong with it." House sighed. "I only bought it for you so I could prove to Wilson that I am better than him and can get you a better gift for your birthday. Bragging rights. That's all. Messing with the gift would only forfeit my right to brag."

Cuddy paused a moment. That sounded like House. "Honestly?"

House sighed again, this time, more irritated in tone. "Yes, Cuddy. If I have to say it one more time, I _will_ take the gift back. I can't stand your nervous questioning anymore.

"Well... thank you, House." Cuddy didn't really know what else to say. She did appreciate the new mattress. "Even if it was given to me in order to annoy Wilson."

"Can't have your cake and eat it too," House replied. "Maybe a cupcake, though."

"Thank you for that too." Cuddy bit her lower lip. She was still a tad bit suspicious.

"Did you pop the balloon?" House tried not to sound too eager.

"No, I was scared," Cuddy told him.

House smirked. "Just do it, Cuddy. You only live once."

Cuddy sighed. "Fine."

Cuddy made her way out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. She walked to the balloon and picked up the paring knife she used that morning to cut an apple. Phone still next to her ear, Cuddy jabbed at the balloon which gave way to a loud pop that hurt her ears.

Jumping a foot in the air, Cuddy shrieked and moved back. Dead flies and spiders rained down over her kitchen counter and sink. House, who had been listening intently, burst into laughter.

"House!" Cuddy exclaimed, backing even further from the counter.

"I was collecting those for weeks," House confided.

Cuddy turned her back to the scene. "I'm going to be sick."

"Couldn't let you have one birthday without a little fun, could I?" House asked. This was too good. He wished he could have been there.

"You're evil," Cuddy glared even though he couldn't see her.

House, knowing his work for the day was done, prepared to hang up the phone before Cuddy could begin ranting.

"Happy Birthday, Cuddy."

* * *

Fin. 


End file.
